ACT 2 AVENUE Q

ACT TWO
Scene 1
PRINCETON
Purpose! Puuuuurpose!

BIB
...Less

PRINCETON
Who said that? Purpose!

BIB
Less!

BIB
Purposeless!

PRINCETON
Purpose!

BIBS
Purpose.... less

PRINCETON
Ok, who’s doing that?

BIB
Hi, Princeton! You have to come around!
BIB
Yeah... You look so blue!

BIB
Try a little smile!

BIB
I want to see a little smile!

BIB
Oh, come on, Princeton!

PRINCETON
Sorry, guys, it’s not gonna work.

BIB
Just do it as a friend

BIB
Yeah, just do it or we’ll be sad!

PRINCETON
It’s not working

BIB
Well, you can always hang yourself!

BIB
(Looks for a rope backstage) Yeah! We found this rope.

PRINCETON
I’m not going to hang myself!

BIBS
Oohh!

PRINCETON
Can you just go away?

BIB
Well, he’s not in a good day. Well, we’ll leave the rope. Just in case. (They leave).
(Brian comes in.)

There is Life Outside Your Apartment
BRIAN
(spoken)
Princeton!

PRINCETON
Yeah.

BRIAN
Listen, buddy, nobody's seen ya for two weeks. What's up with that?

PRINCETON
I went to work for a temp agency, and they fired me for being too
depressing on the phone. I maxed out my cards. I'm two months
behind in rent. I totally messed up my personal life. Oh, and Brian --
I still haven't found my purpose!

BRIAN
All right. Get off your ass and stop worrying! Everyone's getting
together to mess around the city today.

PRINCETON
Have fun.

BRIAN
When I say "everyone", that includes you!
(sung)
There is life outside your apartment
I know it's hard to conceive,
but there's life outside your apartment,
and you're only gonna see it if you leave.
There is cool Sh*t to do,
but it can't come to you.
And who knows, dude,
you might even score!
There is life outside your apartment,
but you've got to open the door!

PRINCETON
(spoken)
No, thanks, I'm staying in.

BRIAN
Don't tell me I gotta force you.

PRINCETON
Sorry!

BRIAN
All right everyone! He's resisting!
(Christmas Eve, Trekkie Monster, Gary and Nicky pick Princeton up and drag him outside)

ALL BUT PRINCETON
(sung)
There is life outside...
there is life outside...
there is life outside...
there is life outside...
your apartment!
There's a pigeon squashed on the street.

CHRISTMAS EVE
Eww.


BRIAN
There's a girl passing by

NICKY
No, I think it's a guy

ALL BUT PRINCETON
And a homeless man who only wants
to buy something to eat!
Sorry! Can't help you!

ALL BUT PRINCETON
We could go to the zoo!

TREKKIE MONSTER
Pick up girls at NYU!

BRIAN
We could sit in the park smoking pot!

CHRISTMAS EVE
Or not!

ALL BUT PRINCETON
There is life outside your apartment

PRINCETON
Well, I guess I'll give it a shot!

(*Gunshot*, everyone screams and runs)

ALL
There is life outside your apartment
I know --
(*loud jackhammer* -- they cover their ears and swear)
There is life outside your apartment
(they look up in horror)

OFFSTAGE VOICE
I'm gonna jump!

ALL
Don't do it!

OFFSTAGE VOICE
Okay!

ALL
There is cool Sh*t to do
but it can't come to you
So come on --
(*car screeches to a halt*)

OFFSTAGE VOICE
Get out of the way asshole!

PRINCETON
f*** you!

ALL
There is life outside your apartment!
Oh, you never know what's around the bend.
You could win the lotto or make a friend...
(Lucy enters, the guys eye her and turn to Princeton)

GUYS
Take her home to see your apartment...

LUCY
Do you wanna feel special?

GUYS
Special!

LUCY
I can see that you do.

GUYS
Ooooh-wah!

LUCY
Well, I can make you feel... special
if you let me feel you.

GUYS
She'll feel you!

LUCY
Where's your pad?

PRINCETON
Not too far!

GUYS
We could call you a car!

PRINCETON
We'll be fine, thank you! See ya!

CHRISTMAS EVE
Hope you don't get gonorrhea!

ALL
There's life outside your apartment...

PRINCETON AND LUCY
But now it's time to go home!

GROUP
There is life outside your apartment...


PRINCETON
It's time to go home!

GROUP
There is life outside your apartment...

LUCY
I can make you feel special...

GROUP
There is life outside your apartment...

ALL
But now it's time to go home

TREKKIE MONSTER
For porn!

Scene 2
PRINCETON
Oh, hi, Kate Monster!

KATE
Good evening.

PRINCETON
Hi... I haven’t seen you around...

KATE
Mm... ha!

LUCY
You’re gonna show me upstairs?

PRINCETON
Yeah, one second, ok, Lucy?

LUCY
Sure, baby! Don’t let my motor idle too long!(She leaves)

KATE
She a friend of yours?

PRINCETON
Yeah...

KATE
Is her name “Purpose”?

PRINCETON
Aah... listen, Kate... I gotta go.

KATE
Have fun!
(Princeton leaves. Christmas Eve comes in)

CE
What’s the matter, Kate monster?

KATE
I hate Princeton. He’s with that Lucy!

CE
Oh, that evil girl? She’s skanky. But that don’t make Princeton bad person, Kate monster.

KATE
I don’t know anymore.

CE
But you still feeling for him, don’t you?

KATE
I do feeling for him.

CE
Sometimes person need time for learning.
People always learning, all through their lives. Look at mama bird.
She push baby out of nest and that’s it. If baby bird fly, good for baby!
If baby bird fall and cracks head on ground and gets eaten
by a cat then he need to do better next time.

The More You Ruv Someone
(spoken)
KATE MONSTER
Why can't people get along and love each other, Christmas Eve?

CHRISTMAS EVE
You think getting along same as loving?
Sometimes love right where you hating most, Kate Monster.

KATE MONSTER
Huh?
(sung)

CHRISTMAS EVE
-The more you love someone,
the more you want to kill 'em.
The more you love someone
the more he make you cry.
-Though you are try
for making peace
with them and loving,
that's why you love
so strong you like to
make him die!
-The more you love someone
the more he make you crazy.
The more you love someone
the more you wishing him dead!
-Sometime you look at
him and only see fat and lazy.
And wanting baseball bat
for hitting him on his head!
-Love...


KATE MONSTER
Love...

CHRISTMAS EVE
And hate...

KATE MONSTER
And hate...

CHRISTMAS EVE
They like two brothers...

KATE MONSTER
Brothers...

CHRISTMAS EVE
Who go on a date.

KATE MONSTER
Who... what?

CHRISTMAS EVE
Where one of them goes,
other one follows.
You inviting love
he also bringing sorrows.

KATE MONSTER
Ah, yes.

CHRISTMAS EVE
-The more you love someone,
the more you want to kill 'em.
Loving and killing
fit like hand in glove!
-So if there someone
you are wanting
so to kill 'em,
you go and find him,
and you get him,
and you no kill him,
cause chances good...

CHRISTMAS EVE AND KATE
He is your love.

KATE
Dear Princeton, it was good to see you yesterday. Princeton,
I’m sorry about what happened but I’d love to work things out with you.
I’m going to visit the viewing platform
at the Empire State building at midnight tonight and I’d love for you to come.
Can you meet me there? If not, please call and let me know.
Otherwise, guess I’ll see you there.
Yours, Kate Monster.

VIDEO VOICE
Five Knights stand.
Four Knights Stand
Three Knights Stand
Two Knights Stand
One Knight Stands
One-night stands!!

Scene 3
KATE
Oh! It’s you!

LUCY
Are you the cleaning lady?

KATE
I will not rise to your bait. Where is Princeton?

LUCY
He is... finishing up in the shower. You need somethin’ ?

KATE
I want to leave him this note. That’s all.

LUCY
Ha! Oh, that kid can be busy all night... Hey girl!
Do you mind checking up to see if there are any scratch marks on my back?

KATE
Oh! Yes! I see them. It looks like they say, “help me”! (She leaves).

LUCY
(to Princeton off stage) Hey kid, almost done in there?


PRINCETON
Yeah... I’m drying up.

LUCY
He doesn’t need to be messing with some monster! (She tears the letter).

Scene 4
(Brian and Nicky come in)
NICKY
It’s been a hard few weeks, Brian, after Rod kicked me out.
I wanted to say, thank you for letting me staying with you and your lovely bride.

BRIAN
Actually, I wanted to talk with you about that.
(CE comes in)

CE
Brian, you tell him to go!

BRIAN
Honey...
CE
I no do your housework! I no cook for you and clean for you and pick up all your messing!
What if he think us are his cleaning lady! This morning I take a shower and I pick
up soap and I say: who put the strange green pubic hairs on soap?
It don’t belong to me, it don’t belong to Brian, who then could it be?
I about to kill him! Go away! (She leaves)

NICKY
But... but...I...

BRIAN
Sorry, buddy.

NICKY
I don’t know where to go!

BRIAN
Well, you can stay with Princeton! Or... Kate?

NICKY
I did already, and they kicked me out too.

BRIAN
There’s got to be someone who can help you out, buddy. Sorry. (He leaves)
(Gary has come in)

NICKY
Well... ha, ha... Good evening there, Gary!

GARY
Hi, Nicky!

NICKY
Listen, Gary, I’ve no place to stay and I was wondering if I could just, you know,
sleep on your floor, just for the night...

GARY
I see.. how about ... NO!

NICKY
Oh, I’ve asked everyone and if you don’t take me, where will I live?

GARY
How about on the street?

NICKY
You mean I should be homeless?
GARY
Sure

NICKY
Oh, that’s a terrible way to live!

GARY
Oh, yeah? Try being that on age fifteen. Look, kid, I know about living in the dumps.
But look at the bright side.
Think of all the joy you’ll bring to others if they find out just how miserable you are.

NICKY
What?

Schadenfreude

GARY COLEMAN
Right now you are
down and out and
feeling really crappy

NICKY
I'll say.

GARY COLEMAN
And when I see how
sad you are
it sort of makes me...
happy!

NICKY
Happy?!

GARY COLEMAN
Sorry, Nicky, human nature --
nothing I can do!
It's...
schadenfreude!
Making me feel glad
that I'm not you!

NICKY
(spoken)
Well that's not very nice, Gary!

GARY COLEMAN
I didn't say it was nice! But everybody does it!
(sung)
D'ja ever clap when a
waitress falls and drops
a tray of glasses?

NICKY
Yeah...

GARY COLEMAN
And it ain't it fun to
watch figure skaters
falling down on their asses?


NICKY
Sure!

GARY COLEMAN
And don'tcha feel all
warm and cosy,
watching people
out in the rain!

NICKY
You bet!

GARY COLEMAN
That's...

GARY AND NICKY
Schadenfreude!

GARY COLEMAN
People taking pleasure in your pain!

NICKY
(spoken)
Oh, schadenfreude, huh? What's that, some kinda Nazi word?

GARY COLEMAN
Yup! It's German for "happiness at the misfortune of others!"

NICKY
"Happiness at the misfortune of others." That IS German!
(sung)
Watching a vegetarian
being told she just
ate chicken

GARY COLEMAN
Or watching a
frat boy realize
just what he put his dick in!

NICKY
Being on an elevator
when somebody shouts
"Hold the door!"

GARY AND NICKY
"NO!"
Schadenfreude!

GARY COLEMAN
"Fuck you lady, that's what stairs are for!"

NICKY
Oooh, how about...
Straight-A students getting Bs?

GARY COLEMAN
Exes getting STDs!

NICKY
Waking doormen from their naps!

GARY COLEMAN
Watching tourists reading maps!

NICKY
Football players getting tackled!

GARY COLEMAN
CEOs getting shackled!

NICKY
Watching actors never reach

GARY AND NICKY
The ending of their Oscar speech!
Schadenfreude!
Schadenfreude!
Schadenfreude!
Schadenfreude!

GARY COLEMAN
The world needs people like you and me
who've been knocked around by fate.
'Cause when people see us,
they don't want to be us,
and that makes them feel great.

NICKY
Sure! We provide a vital service to society!

GARY AND NICKY
You and me! Schadenfreude!
Making the world a better place...
Making the world a better place...
Making the world a better place...
to be!

GARY COLEMAN
S-C-H-A-D-E-N-F-R-E-U-D-E!

Scene 5
KATE
(From the top of the Empire State)
All those people look like ants down there
and their parts look about as tiny as the ones inside the men I dated.
Princeton gave me this penny once, he said it was a symbol of his hopes and dreams.
And he never called though I asked him to and I don’t see him anywhere.
Pretty soon he’ll be an hour late if he comes at all.

(Lucy and Princeton come in)

PRINCETON
Hey, Lucy! Where did you go this morning? I’ve been looking all over for you!

LUCY
Oh, man! Why do I always get the clingy guys?

PRINCETON
No, you left, that’s all. And I didn’t say goodbye.

LUCY
Listen, kid, sorry to be honest, but look at me! I can have my pick of the litter!
If I wanted a relationship I’d find a guy with a good job, who has a future and some money.
And not some well bone babyface kid who need to run his parents and cant get his act together.
(She leaves)

PRINCETON
I think I heard a compliment there, somewhere. (He leaves)

KATE
I’m gonna get rid of this stupid penny. And I’ll make a wish.
I hope, more than anything, I hope I find someone who I love, someone who loves me back.
(She throws the penny).
Somehow I don’t feel any better.
(Princeton and Lucy come in)

PRINCETON
Lucy, I’m only looking for my purpose. My big break, my big revelation.

LUCY
You know the only revelation people had in life, kiddo? They’re not special.
You’re not special. You’re not luckier or more gifted than anyone else.

PRINCETON
You don’t think so.

LUCY
No!

PRINCETON
Well, Im gonna run past by this place, I’ll think about what you said just now.

LUCY
What’s so special about this place?

PRINCETON
Oh, you mean, here, on 34tth an 5th, at the entrance of the Empire State building?

(The penny falls just on Lucy’s head. She falls down unconscious)


PRINCETON
Lucy?

Scene 6
The hospital

PRINCETON
Lucy, can you hear me?

KATE
Princeton, I... I heard your friend had an accident. How is she?

PRINCETON
Her head fell off in the ambulance. And the doctors spent the night sewing it back on.
But the prognosis is good.

KATE
What happened to her?

PRINCETON
Some idiot threw a penny from the Empire State building.

KATE
... Sh*t!...

PRINCETON
Kate, what are you doing here?

KATE
Why didn’t you bother in saying you weren’t coming?

PRINCETON
What?

KATE
I told you, in my note...

PRINCETON
What note?

KATE
The one I left with... Oh! I feel better now!

PRINCETON
How are you, Kate?

KATE
Honestly?

PRINCETON
Of course!

KATE
I’m working in Starbucks. I miss my students. I work all day and I’m poorer than ever.

PRINCETON
And what about your dream?

KATE
Some people’s dreams come true, but I don’t think I’m one of those people.

PRINCETON
Don’t say that.

KATE
But that’s the way life is, Princeton.
Nobody teaches you that when you are a kid,
because if you knew, no one would ever dream or want to grow up.
But you can’t stop growing up. I’m late for work.

PRINCETON
Kate, listen! I wish you were happy. And I wish I had my life together,
but I don’t and I don’t know what’s gonna happen.
And I’m so sorry for hurting your feelings because I think you’re so special. Sorry,
that wasn’t more articulate.

KATE
It was perfectly articulate. I should go. (She leaves)

Scene 7

NICKY
Help the homeless! Help the homeless! Oh, hi, Rod!

ROD
Is that the wind I hear wrestling through the branches?

NICKY
Listen, Rod, for now on I’ll believe anything you say about yourself.
And I apologize for being such a messy roommate.
And now that I have a place on my own, right that
dumpster over there, I appreciate how hard it is to keep things nice! Well...?
(Christmas Eve comes in)
Ok Rod, buddy, I see you around.

CE
Rod. Are you Ok?

ROD
Christmas Eve... Can I get soft with you briefly? (He lies on CE’s lap).

CE
Sure. What the problem today?

ROD
Well... it’ sad... it’s really... I can’t...

CE
Go on...

ROD
Well, I look at my friends who are married now, and... well... I look at you and Brian... and...

CE
Go on...

ROD
Why don’t I have someone by my side who makes me feel special and safe?
Someone who... loves me the way I love them...

CE
Rod... you special... Rod... you safe.

ROD
I miss Nicky.

CE
I know you do.

Blackout.
Scene 8
(Kate is on the observation deck of the Empire State Building)
I Wish I Could Go Back to College
KATE MONSTER
I wish I could go back to college.
Life was so simple back then.
(Nicky appears on a dark corner, shivering)

NICKY
What would I give to go back and live
in a dorm with a meal plan again!

(Nicky and Kate sigh. Lights rise on Princeton, at the hospital, sitting next to Lucy's bed)

PRINCETON
I wish I could go back to college.
In college you know who you are.
You sit in the quad
and think, "Oh my God!
I am totally gonna go far!"

ALL
How do I go back to college?
I don't know who I am anymore!

PRINCETON
I wanna go back to my room and find
a message in dry-erase pen on the door!
Ohhh...
I wish I could just drop a class...

NICKY
Or get into a play...

KATE MONSTER
Or change my major...

PRINCETON
Or f*** my T.A.

ALL
I need an academic advisor to point the way!
We could be...

Sitting in the computer lab,
4 a.m. before the final paper is due,
cursing the world 'cause I didn't start sooner,
and seeing the rest of the class there, too!

PRINCETON
I wish I could go back to college!

ALL
How do I go back to college?!
Ahhhhhhh....

PRINCETON
I wish I had taken more pictures.

NICKY
But if I were to go back to college,
think what a loser I'd be --
I'd walk through the quad, and think
"Oh my God..."

ALL
"These kids are so much younger than me."

Scene 9
NICKY
Help the homeless! Help the homeless! Oooh! Hey Princeton!
Can you spare a quarter?

PRINCETON
Ohhh no Nicky..

NICKY
Ohhh God Nicky! You know you want to, how about a dime?
Can you spare a dime for your old pal?

PRINCETON
I wanna be alone for a while you know...


NICKY
Oh! Come on, please!

PRINCETON
I wanna be left alone okaaay!!!

NICKY
You know what? Maybe you should stop thinking about yourself.
Like you should try... helping someone else out for a change... like me!
Oh... come on Princeton... give me your quarter...
The Money Song
Give me a quarter!
Here in my hat!
Come on, Princeton,
it's as easy as that!
Helping others brings
you closer to God,
so give me a quarter...

PRINCETON
I don't have any change.

NICKY
Hmmm.
Okay, give me a dollar.

PRINCETON
That's not what I meant.

NICKY
Give me a five!

PRINCETON
Are you kidding?

NICKY
The more you give
the more you get.
That's being alive!
All I'm asking you
is to do what Jesus Christ
would do:
He'd give me a quarter --
why don't you?

PRINCETON
(spoken)
All right, all right, here you go.
(he puts money in Nicky's hat)

NICKY
Ahh, thanks!

PRINCETON
Take care. Whoa!

NICKY
What's the matter?

PRINCETON
I feel -- generous!
I feel -- compassionate!

NICKY
You do?

PRINCETON
Yeah! I feel like a new person -- a good person!
Helping other people out makes you feel fantastic!

NICKY
That's what I've been trying to tell you --

PRINCETON
All this time I've been running around thinking about me, me, me -- and where has it gotten me!
I'm gonna do something for someone else!

NICKY
Me?

PRINCETON
No -- Kate! I'm going to raise the money to build that stupid
Monster School she's always talking about!
(sung)
Give me your money!

NICKY
What?!

PRINCETON
I need it for Kate!

NICKY
I need it to eat!

PRINCETON
Come on, Nicky!

NICKY
Aww, get lost!

PRINCETON
It'll make you feel great!

NICKY
So would a burger!

PRINCETON
When her dream comes true,
it'll all be partly
thanks to you, so
give me your money!

NICKY
I'd like to, but I can't!

PRINCETON
Give me your money!

NICKY
I'd like to, but I need it!

PRINCETON
Give me your money!

NICKY
I'd like to, but I'm homeless!
I can't! I need it! I'm homeless!
I can't! I need it! I'm homeless!
I can't! I need it! I'm homeless!
(Princeton slaps Nicky)
Okay, here ya go.

PRINCETON
Thank you!

NICKY
Suddenly, I am feeling
closer to God.
It's time to stop begging!
It's time to start giving!
What can I give to Rod?
Something he'll like so much he'll take me back.
Ooh, I know! I'll find him a boyfriend!

PRINCETON
That's the spirit!

PRINCETON AND NICKY
When you help others,
you can't help helping yourself!
When you can't help others,
you can't help helping yourself!

GARY COLEMAN
(spoken)Hey boys, what's the hat for?

NICKY
Ooh, we're collecting money!

PRINCETON
It's for Kate! We're raising money to build her dream school!
(sung)
Give us your money!

NICKY
You'll be glad that you did!
GARY COLEMAN
That's just what my parents
told me when I was a kid!
Sh*t!

NICKY
But giving feels so great...

GARY COLEMAN
And I bet it wouldn't hurt your chances with Kate.

PRINCETON
Well, that too.

GARY COLEMAN
I'll give you a dollar.

PRINCETON
You're a gentleman and a scholar!

CHRISTMAS EVE
(spoken)
We so happy! We just exchange all your wedding gifts for cash!

BRIAN
Honey, don't tell them that!

CHRISTMAS EVE
We get about two thousand bucks!

BRIAN
Uh, yeah. So -- thanks, everybody!

CHRISTMAS EVE
We rich!

PRINCETON
(sung)
Give us your money!

NICKY
Give us your money!

GARY COLEMAN
Give us your goddamned money!

PRINCETON
Give us the dough!

GARY AND NICKY
Give us the dough!

PRINCETON, GARY AND NICKY
We're raising money for
a monster school,
but we've got a ways to go!
PRINCETON
Sounds like you've got
money to burn...

NICKY
And it's not like money that
you had to earn...

PRINCETON, GARY AND NICKY
So give us your money --

CHRISTMAS EVE
(spoken)
A Monster School?

BRIAN
Sounds like a good cause.

CHRISTMAS EVE
Give me your wallet.

PRINCETON
Oh my gosh! I don't know how to thank you guys.
I mean, Kate will be so grateful... that kind of money
is such a great start...(she hands Gary some cash)

GARY COLEMAN
Yeah! Fifteen dollars!

PRINCETON
Fifteen dollars?

CHRISTMAS EVE
Every little bit help!

NICKY
Looks like we're gonna have to ask MORE people!

(They turn to the audience and pass the hat)

ALL
(sung)
Hey!
Give us your money!
All that you've got!
Just fork it on over...

GARY COLEMAN
Or some puppets will get shot!

PRINCETON
Hey!

ALL
It's time to pass the hat

GARY COLEMAN
and there' nothing you can do 'bout that.

ALL
So
Give us your money!
Give us your money!
Give us your money!
When you help others,
you can't help helping yourself!
When you help others,
you can't help helping yourself!
Every time you do good deeds
you're also serving your own needs.
When you help others,
you're really helping yourself!
When you give to a worthy cause,
you'll feel as jolly as Santa Claus.
When you help others,
you can't help helping yourself!
(Princeton counts the money).

CE
(spoken)
How much do we get?

PRINCETON (depending on what the audience put on the hats)
Boy, it's not very much at all, is it?

CE
Those people bunch of cheap snakes! (to the audience).

BRIAN
Never say never, Princeton,
there's still one more person
we have to hit up!

(Trekkie pops out of his window)

TREKKIE MONSTER
No! No! No! Go away. Me busy.

CHRISTMAS EVE
But it for good cause!

TREKKIE MONSTER
What in it for me? Go away!

PRINCETON
I guess Kate'll never get her school for Monsters.

TREKKIE MONSTER
What you say?

BRIAN
Kate wants to open a school for Monsters.
TREKKIE MONSTER
School for Monsters? Me never hear of that!
School For Monsters/ The Money Song reprise
(sung)
School for Monsters!
School for lonely little Monsters!
When me little,
going to school,
other children
think me not cool,
poking and pulling
at me fur...
Now we have therapist,
and work on this with her.
But me no need me therapy
if Monster School a reality!
(spoken)
Wait Me be right back...
Here! Me give you ten million dollars!

PRINCETON
Trekkie! Where did you get all that money?!

TREKKIE MONSTER
In volatile market, only stable investment is porn!

ALL
(sung)
When you help others,
you can't help helping yourself!
When you help others,
you can't help helping yourself!
Every time you do
good deeds,
you're also serving your
own needs!
When you help others,
you can't help helping yourself!

CE
It’s your school Kate!

BRIAN
And here’s a check with enough money to run it, and buy the building...

CE
And you can hire teachers, and cafeteria delis and make a real looking school for monsters! We all raise the money!

KATE
You mean... all that money... for me?

BRIAN
Most of it came form a donor who wishes to remain anonymous.

GARY
Well... let’s just say I joined in too...

KATE
Well... I don’t know what to say!

BRIAN
Just say thanks!

KATE
Thank you! Thank you everybody! The entire monster community thanks all of you!

BRIAN
Listen! Now that everybody’s all gathered here, Christmas Eve and I have an announcement!

CE
We getting divorce

ALL
What!

CE
I Only kidding! But... we leaving Avenue Q...

KATE
What?

CE
We married now... and try to move on... so we move to nicer neighbourhood... to lower east side!

KATE
But you can’t leave!

BRIAN
Oh! Come on guys! We’ll still keep in touch! Oh!
And there’s another reason... I’m starting a new career!

ALL
Yeah!!

BRIAN
I’m a consultant!
(silence)

CE
I not know what that is... but I so proud of him! And I have good news too!
I finally get a regular client! I a paid therapist!

NICKY
Oh! Who is your client?

CE
Oh! I not allowed to say, but I see him seven times a week at 1.25 an hour... he need a lot of help...
Me work through his issues, and he become this integrated person!

KATE
I bet I know who he is!

CE
He much better!

NICKY
Who!? You mean Rod!?

CE
I not aRod to say.

BRIAN
Say... where is he anyway? Get him out here!

(A gunshot is heard)

ALL
Ohhh!

CE
Oh! Damn it!!!

(Rod comes out with a bottle of Champaign)

ROD
Yoohoo!! Champaign for everybody! I’ve got some news!

CE
Oh Rod! You OK...

ROD
You are Ok too. Haaaaaa...
Oh everyone! I have confronted my fears at last, so I have a few things I’d like to say.
Number one: I apologize for being so ... it was all because... well... this is number two:
hold you applause everybody... because I Rod... am GAY! (silence)Ok.
And three: Nicky... Oh Nicky.... I’m so sorry... you’re my best friend...
I’ve missed you so much... Will you move back in with me?

NICKY
Oh!!! Well!! I’d be too happy Rod!!

ROD
All right!!

NICKY
Yeahh!! (They hug) Hey Rod! Guess what I did!
I’ve put a persona add all over the Internet with your picture on it!

ROD
You did what?!

NICKY
And... I’ve found someone veeery special!! Wait here...

ROD
Whaaaaat!!! Hoooo!! Hooo!! Hoooo!!

NICKY
Rod! I’d like you to meet Ricky!

RICKY
Hi! Rodney, it’s nice to meet you.

NICKY
I think I know your type.

ROD
Ohhh! Sweet suffering Jesus!! Nicky and Ricky! My karma it’s over---- that’s cute!

(He goes inside with Ricky, jumping and shouting)

GARY
Everybody’s dreams are coming true and then there’s Gary Coleman...

BRIAN
Ohh come on Gary!

KATE
You still got all of us!

GARY
Yeah... well, since you two are leaving,
I’d better go put that damn “for rent” sign back up

KATE MONSTER
(looking at her building)
The Monsterssori School. I don't even know where to start!

CHRISTMAS EVE
Do you know who get idea and collect all the money
and buy building for you?

KATE MONSTER
Was it you?

CHRISTMAS EVE
No. It Princeton.

KATE MONSTER
Princeton? For me?
(Princeton enters)
There's a Fine, Fine Line / What Do You Do With a B.A. in English (Reprise)

PRINCETON
(spoken)
You said you couldn't make you dreams come true by yourself,
so I shot for the stars.
(Sung)
You've got to go after
the things you want
while you're still in
your prime...

KATE MONSTER
There's a fine, fine line
between
love...
(spoken)
Thank you, Princeton.

PRINCETON
So will you take me back, Kate?

KATE MONSTER
I'll be so busy now, with all of the contractors, and inspections,
and hiring teachers and choosing textbooks...

PRINCETON
Well, I could help you.

KATE MONSTER
Can we take it one day at a time?

(Gary hangs up the "For Rent" sign. A young optimistic-looking puppet appears)

NEWCOMER
What do you do
with a B.A. in English?
Oh, look! A "For Rent" sign!
Oh my God!
You're Gary Coleman!

GARY COLEMAN
Yes I am!

NEWCOMER
Say, can you tell me where to find the super?

GARY COLEMAN
I am the super.

NEWCOMER
What? You’re Gary Coleman and you are the super?! Ha ha ha ha!!!

GARY
Are you laughing at me?!

NEWCOMER
No no no... I’m sorry...

GARY
No, that’s all right kid, that’s why I’m here!

NEWCOMER
Well, listen -- I wanna ask you about the apartment for rent?

GARY COLEMAN
Oh, sure!

PRINCETON
Wait a minute!
Wait a minute! That's it!

KATE MONSTER
What?

PRINCETON
My PURPOSE!
Look at this kid, here, all fresh-faced and new and not knowing anything!
He has no idea what he's in for! He thinks the hard part's over, but it's not!
And maybe he needs a little help! Maybe my purpose is to take
everything I'm learning and put it -- put it into a show!

BRIAN
Are you high?

NEWCOMER
And I'm not some young kid who doesn't know anything. f*** you!

For Now
PRINCETON
Why does everything have to be so hard?

GARY COLEMAN
Maybe you'll never find your purpose.

CHRISTMAS EVE
Lots of people don't.

PRINCETON
But then -- I don't know why I'm even alive!

KATE MONSTER
Well, who does, really?
(sung)
Everyone's a little bit unsatisfied.

BRIAN
Everyone goes 'round a little empty inside.

GARY COLEMAN
Take a breath, look around.

BRIAN
Swallow your pride.

KATE MONSTER
For now...

BRIAN, KATE, GARY AND CHRISTMAS EVE
For now...

NICKY
Nothing lasts,

ROD
Life goes on.

NICKY
Full of surprises.

ROD
You'll be faced
with problems
of all shapes and sizes.

CHRISTMAS EVE
You're going to have
to make a few
compromises...
for now...

ALL
But only for now! (for now)
Only for now! (for now)
Only for now! (for now)
Only for now!

(Lucy enters)

LUCY
Hey Everybody! I’m defeated form my yoga class!
Gosh it’s so babooo to see you all you crazy kids!

KATE
Lucy? Is that you?

LUCY
A whole new me! That penny took out 20% of my brain.
But it only took out the mean stuff! Ha ha ha ha!

BIB 1
We’ve lost part of our brains too

BIB
We got on scientology!
BIBS
Yeahhhhh!!

LUCY
For now we're healthy.

BRIAN
For now we're employed.

BAD IDEA BEARS
For now we're happy...

KATE MONSTER
If not overjoyed.

PRINCETON
And we'll accept the things
we cannot avoid, for now...

GARY COLEMAN
For now...

TREKKIE MONSTER
For now...

KATE MONSTER
For now...

ALL
But only for now! (for now)
Only for now! (for now)
Only for now! (for now)
Only for now!

Only for now!
(For now there's life!)
Only for now!
(For now there's love!)
Only for now!
(For now there's work!)
For now there's happiness!
But only for now!
(For now discomfort!)
Only for now!
(For now there's friendship!)
Only for now (for now)
Only for now!

Only for now! (Sex!)
Is only for now! (Your hair!)
Is only for now! (George Bush!)
Is only for now!

Don't stress,
relax,
let life roll off
your backs
except for death
and paying taxes
everything in life is
only for now!

NICKY
Each time you smile...

ALL
... Only for now

KATE MONSTER
It'll only last a while.

ALL
... Only for now

PRINCETON
Life may be scary...

ALL
... Only for now
But it's only temporary.

Ba-dum ba-dum,
ba-dum ba-dum
ba-dum ba-dum
ba-da da da da
ba-da da-da da da-da
ba-dum ba-da, ba-dum
ba-da, oooooh --

PRINCETON
Everything in life is only for now.

THE END

How did you like it??????????

and i just realized that if i had posted this in smaller segments i could have gotten my post count up alot higher.